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tired

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since i havent written in here in FOREVER, i decided i have to do a little updating. :) first off thank you for the birthday wishes! what have i been up to lately? well i finished up my freshman year at alverno college. we dont have grades, but i got all S+'s which is great (you'll just have to believe me haha :) ) im so glad to be done with my first year and im ready to go back actually. i start sept. 2nd, so i still have some time to enjoy summer.

lately im working a TON. im working like 50 hour weeks in july, which sucks but at the same time i need the money. my job is just a huge joke now. you know how someone new comes in and suddenly its just all about them? well, the managers fiance (which in itself is a huge no no to hire somoene in that position) started cooking, and im a cook too, i've been at my current job about 4 years, since i was 14, a little baby but ive pretty much grown up working there and i've been there the longest in the kitchen so he's just pretty much an arrogant asshole who's trying to get more seniority than me and its irritating because yes i am young but at the same time i know more than he does. idk, its just soooo irritating and im trying to find a new job but like nowhere is hiring and i need it to be flexible for when i start school again! thats really hard to find so im just trying to grit my teeth and bear it as long as i need to pay for school. this month, its my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend, and it totally doesnt feel that long which is great because if it did feel like that long it might be a problem hahah. like "ughhh its been a year already?" but its been a great year, it really has! for my birthday he surprised me with a hugeee bouqet of flowers, it was such a surprise to me! he's such a cutie. he was supposed to be going off into the airforce in june was his leave date, but in may he got pulled over and then got a DUI. in any other circumstance it might not have hurt him too badly, but the branch of the airforce he was accepted into is extremely difficult to get into and its looking like he will be kicked out of the airforce for a year and then he will be allowed to reapply. part of me just wants to smack him and say are you stupid?!?!? because it was the WORST timing ever for that, but i know that he is beating himself up enough already. i guess things happen for a reason, we just havent found out why this is supposed to happen yet.

i guess thats really my life right now, working wayyy too much, stressing out about money and then hanging out with my boyfriend! i miss writing like every day in here, i guess i just never make the time to sit down and just get to it. i should make time to do that because running around 24/7 gets really tiring! i swear i am ALWAYS tired, and people at work are like 'oh you're young you can do it, you should be able to work long hours!' yeah okay lets try working til midnight then having to come in at 10 the next morning. hahah. ughhh. idk i guess i'll just stick with it..

i'll update soon i pinky swear!! :)

[	Current Location	|	my room	]
[	Current Mood	|	content	]
[	Current Music	|	make a plan to love me	]

i wish money grew on trees!!!

28 days until washington!!
haircut tomorrow
no school til monday
homeworks all done
semester is over after next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



i get all my bills at the same time, thats the only reason why i wish money grew on trees. :/

it makes me sick. i feel it when i wake up i feel it when im driving i feel it sitting in class i feel it trying to fall asleep and i feel it when im in the shower and i cant tell if its my tears or water running down my face. i feel it when i know i should smile when i know i should be angry when i know its not right not to feel anything and i know that all these things i feel shouldnt be felt. i feel like a big mess of confusion. my emotions are opposite and im just sitting here wondering why the fuck my head isnt working right. im two directions in one car, how do i do it? i dont even know. im reverting back to things i never thought i'd feel again and im trapped in a car going 75 down the freeway with the cruise control on in the completely wrong direction. im screaming out for people who shouldnt have to listen im grabbing for a handle thats not even screwed onto the door right. i dontk now whats wrong and thats the problem because nothing is. my room is a pile of post it notes. my life is dictated by what i should be doing my life is dictated by what im doing wrong. my life is my life is my life is my life. 'just remember who's journey it is' i dont even know you and you almost made me cry. i dont even KNow you. my words are all jumbled up spilling out wrong. im right back where i started baby. and you'll read through this trying to find hidden meaning, trying to understand who im talking about and the truth is i dont even know. its nobody and everybody. its not him. its not you. its not her. its me. and you'll tell me im self centered and you'll leave and ill nod my head and say yeah you're right. 'dont forget who's journey it is' yeah, its mine. and i have no idea where to go.

im so FUCKING lost.


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you know what i hate? i hate that i cant say what i want to say because your little fucking spies are watching me. FUCK YOU WINTER FUCK YOU. im falling back down into feeling like shit and im pushing away craig and this girl brittany wants him and im so fucking scared. he says dont worry you have my heart im yours. IM THE FUCKING GIRL GOING TO SEE HIM IN BASIC, BRITTANY. gahhh. she has a boyfriend.


whatever, im a fucking wackjob. i feel like shit.